Marrying a New Muslim Wife: A Boon, or Bane?

The husband of a new Muslim wife is obliged to undertake serious, long-term endeavors to educate his wife about Islam.

Marriage is a challenging leap of faith in one’s life that requires more than its fair share of patience and wisdom.

In order to transit smoothly from living a largely self-centered existence under the tutelage of parents, teachers and employers, to a ‘shared’ one where another person who was hitherto a total stranger is now an integral part of every decision, big or small, - discretion, compromise, and empathy are required.

When a person marries someone who shares the same cultural and religious background, the adjustment after marriage is expectedly easier because of the many geographical and ethnic commonalities in the couple.

However, for a Muslim to marry someone who is not just a new revert to Islam, but who might also be hailing from another region of the world altogether, entails a whole new ball game altogether.That is, if they speak the same language, have the same lifestyle, and share the same habits, it is expected that it will be easier for them to get along and adjust to married life more quickly and successfully.

Acknowledge and Step Up to the Challenge

Many Muslim husbands are not adequately prepared for the multiple-responsibilities-bearing, managerial and leadership role that they are required to take on after marriage.

While many Muslim husbands are fully aware of the fact that they occupy a position of greater authority over their wives, seldom is it that they fully realize what this superior position actually entails on a practical and long-term, strategic level.

In short, a Muslim man is fully accountable to Allah for the physical, moral, and spiritual welfare of his family i.e. his wife and children (and their future children). This accountability practically translates to making sure that his family thrives on a physical as well as spiritual level, and to working hard in order to ensure their success and prosperity in both worlds.

When a Muslim man marries a woman who is a revert to Islam, he needs to handle his pivotal role as the leader of the household even more carefully. This is because the person he has married is like a “clean slate” regarding faith: a revert to Islam is like a newborn Muslim baby, sans any sins. However, her cultural habits, mindset and personality are somewhat set, because age-wise, she is already an adult woman.

In order to ensure that she goes on to become a successful Muslim wife and mother, a husband has to tread with wisdom and discretion, firmly but lovingly steering the boat of their family in the right direction in order to reach its ultimate destination and goal: success in the Hereafter.

Grow Together in Faith Seeking Knowledge

he must join his wife in attending Islamic workshops, seminars, retreats, conferences

The husband of a new Muslim wife is obliged to undertake serious, long-term endeavors to educate his wife about Islam. It is not sufficient for him to delegate this crucial responsibility to the women in his family (e.g. his mother and/or sisters), by casually asking them to take his wife to a random Islamic lecture here or there, whenever it is convenient for them.

Rather, he must join his wife in attending Islamic workshops, seminars, retreats, conferences, and talks/lectures. He can also enroll her in an online Islamic course that she can handle easily, as well as regularly take her to the masjid e.g. forJumuah (Friday) prayers on a weekly basis, along with their children (if any).

This will ensure that both husband and wife bond more closely for the sake of Allah and grow together in faith and spirituality.

The husband must take care not to overburden his wife beyond her capacity in this regard, and to not interact with her like a warden/superintendent. Rather, he should be more like a ‘best friend’ to her; someone she can easily confide in and talk to.

Take it Slow and Steady with In-Laws

The greatest challenge for a man who is married to a new Muslim wife is to respect and get along with his in-laws, most of whom might be non-Muslims.

Since marriage is a permanent, long-term relationship that forms the basis of all other familial relationships, the husband has to tread with extreme care and caution when dealing with his in-laws.

He has to remember that his wife is obliged to take care of her parents and to treat them kindly according to the Quran, even if they are non-Muslims, and he should help her achieve this goal, instead of making it difficult for her.

he becomes increasingly conflicted about the influence his in-laws’ un-Islamic lifestyle

Glaring differences of culture, ethos, mindset, and faith might be a part of the picture, and it might become extremely challenging to focus on the commonalities when there are hardly any to begin with because of the difference in religious practice.

The most common cause of conflict between a Muslim man and his non-Muslim in-laws is when his children are born, and he becomes increasingly conflicted about the influence his in-laws’ un-Islamic lifestyle and/or actions might have on his wife and children if he allows them to interact too much with them e.g. by living at their home for extended stays during summer vacations.

In such a scenario, it is not uncommon to find younger, less mature Muslim husbands displaying ‘knee-jerk’ reactions to this situation, by impeding their wives’ and children’s visits to her family.

This leads to more tension and discord in a marital relationship that is already challenging to begin with. It also reinforces the infamous ‘controlling Muslim husbands” stereotype among non-Muslims.

Beware of Adopting an “Us & Them” Attitude

Whilst it is very important for a Muslim husband to ensure that his wife and children remain free from any negative influences that could steer them away from Islam or its practice, and to strive to protect his marital ‘fortress’ as Allah has ordained for him to, he has to do so with immense discretion on a social plane.

It is all about setting clear boundaries and meting out ihsan towards one’s in-laws without allowing them to exert negative influences over one’s family. So for example, if celebrating Christmas with them over the holidays is a no-no, they can be treated to some other enjoyable holiday during the rest of the year, such as a short cruise, lakeside camping trip, or a road trip.

no one stops the husband from buying and roasting a whole halal bird at some other time

If the presence of a pet dog or alcohol in the in-laws’ home is an issue, they can be invited to one’s own home over a long weekend, treated to sumptuous halalmeals (presenting the Islamic alternative), and given gifts to compensate. If his wife misses eating the turkey (and pumpkin pie) at Thanksgiving, no one stops the husband from buying and roasting a whole halal bird at some other time of the year to partake in with relish.

Before long, even though it might take a few years in the beginning, when his non-Muslim in-laws will clearly see the effort their Muslim son/brother-in-law is making towards trying to maintain a healthy, balanced and respectful relationship with them, without compromising on his rules regarding Islamic practice, they will return the favor by showing more respect and tolerance for his faith as well, Insha’Allah.

What the husband of a new Muslim wife must try to scrupulously avoid is to talk to his wife about her extended biological family, her homeland (if she has relocated with him to another region), and her childhood/old friends with a disdainful “us and them” attitude that screams, “We are better than them!”

Rather, he should try as much as possible to refer to her biological family as “our family”.

Conclusion: Undermine Differences by Focusing on the Positives

Will marrying a new Muslim wife turn out to be a boon, or bane, for a Muslim man?

That greatly depends upon the way he perceives, reacts to, and capitalizes on the supposed “differences” between them both.

The children borne out of multi-cultural unions often have the chance to see the best of two different worlds. They often learn a lot more than the children born to parents hailing from the same country/culture, because they get to learn two different languages, experience two different countries (if not three, if both pairs of grandparents live in separate countries), eat 2-3 different kinds of cuisines, and enjoy richer and more diverse life experiences through frequent travels.

If a Muslim husband keeps the long-term, bigger picture in mind, and refuses to ‘sweat the small stuff’ by letting the lesser evils slide, he can become the originator and facilitator of a globally spread out, positive ‘ripple effect’ caused by his family’s Islamic practice, not to mention an on-going legacy of Islam after his death, via a righteous lineage.

By loving and respecting his new Muslim wife, and helping her grow in faith the way a farmer nurtures a weak young seedling till it becomes a tall, strong, deeply-rooted and sturdily planted tree, the wise Muslim husband will be planting permanent fruits of righteousness superseding geographical and ethnic boundaries of color, caste and culture.

What could be more in accordance with Islam than becoming that basic link that joins together two families of different origins and cultures, which becomes the ‘doorway’ of demonstrating to them the all-inclusive teachings of this beautiful Deen?